Jokes
What would our lives be like without them?
Conversations around the dinner table would be pretty boring!
Sit back, relax and read these jokes until you're heart's content.
Some are rather lengthy but all are worth it. You know the old
saying, "Laughter is the best medicine" and some of
these jokes will cure whatever your suffering from.
A couple had lived together in the backwoods staying only at cheap hotels for over fifty years.
To celebrate their fiftieth anniversary, he took her to Maryland and they checked into one of the plush hotels in Ocean City.
She said to the bellman, "We refuse to settle for such a small
room. No windows, no bed, no fan," she complained.
"But, Madam!"
"Don't `But, Madam' me," she continued.
"You can't treat us
like we're a couple of fools just because we don't travel much,
and we've never been to the big city and never spent the night
at a hotel. I'm going to complain to the manager."
"Madam," the bellman said, "this isn't your room; this is
the elevator!"
A mechanic was removing a cylinder-head from
the motor of a Harley motorcycle when he spotted a well-known
cardiologist in his shop. The cardiologist was there waiting
for the service manager to come take a look at his bike
when the mechanic shouted across the garage, "Hey Doc,
want to take a look at this?"
The cardiologist, a bit surprised, walked
over to where the mechanic was working on the motorcycle.
The mechanic straightened up, wiped his hands on a rag and
asked, "So Doc, look at this engine. I open its heart,
take the valves out, repair any damage, and then put them
back in, and when I finish, it works just like new. So how
come I make $39,675 a year and you make over a million a
year when you and I are doing basically the same work?"
The cardiologist paused, smiled and leaned
over, then whispered to the mechanic...
“Try doing it with the engine running.”
Forest Gump dies and goes to Heaven. He is met at the Pearly Gates by St.
Peter himself. The gates are closed, however, and Forest approaches the
gate keeper. St. Peter says "Well, Forest, it's certainly good to see you.
We have heard so many good things about you. I must inform you that the
place is filling up fast, and we've been giving an entrance quiz for
everyone. The tests are short, but you need to pass before you can get
into Heaven.
Forest responds "It sure is good to be here, St. Peter. I was looking
forward to this. Nobody ever told me about any entrance exam. Sure hope
the test ain't too hard; Life was a big enough test as it was. St. Peter
goes on, "I know, Forest, but the test is only three questions:
What days of the week begin with the letter T?
How many seconds are there in a year? What is God's first name?"
Forest goes away to think the questions over. He returns the next day and
goes up to St. Peter to try to answer the exam questions. St. Peter waves
him up and says "Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over,
tell me your answers." Forest says, "Well, the first one how many days of
the week begin with the letter 'T?" "Shucks, that one's easy. That'd be
Today and Tomorrow."
The Saint's eyes open wide and he exclaims "Forest! That's not what I was
thinking, but.....you do have a point though, and I guess I didn't specify,
so I will give you credit for that answer."
"How about the next one?" "How many seconds in a year?" "Now that one's
harder" says Forest, "but I thought and thought about that and I guess the
only answer can be twelve."
Astounded, St. Peter says "Twelve! Twelve! Forest, how in Heaven's name
could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?" Forest says "Aw, come on,
St. Peter, there's gotta be twelve, January second, February second, March
second. . . "
"Hold it" interrupts St. Peter. "I see where you're going with it. I guess
I see your point, though that wasn't quite what I had in mind, but I'll give
you credit for that one too.
Let's go on with the next and final question. Can you tell me God's First
name?" Forest replied, "Andy."
When St. Peter asked how in the world he came up with the name Andy?
Forest replied, "You know, St. Peter, that song we sing in church: "Andy
walks with me, Andy talks with me.
"The lesson:
THERE IS ALWAYS ANOTHER POINT OF VIEW, and just because another person
doesn't see things the same way or understand the same way that you do, does
not mean that it's wrong.
Mister, why doesn't this cow have any horns?" asked the
young lady from a nearby city.
The farmer cocked his head for a moment, then began in a
patient tone, "Well, ma'am, cattle can do a powerful lot of
damage with horns. Sometimes we keep'em trimmed down with
a hacksaw. Other times we can fix up the young 'uns by
puttin' a couple drops of acid where their horns would grow in,
and that stops 'em cold. Still, there are some breeds of cattle
that never grow horns.
But the reason this cow don't have
no horns, ma'am, is 'cause it's a horse."
Billy is almost 29 years old, his friends have already gotten
married,and Billy just dates and dates
Finally a friend asks him, "What's the matter, are you looking for
the perfect woman? Are you that particular? Can't you find anyone
who suits you?"
"No," Billy replies. "I meet many nice girls, but as soon as I
bring them home to meet my parents, my Mother doesn't like them.
So I keep on looking!"
"Listen," his friend suggests, "Why don't you find a girl who's
just like your dear ole Mother?"
Many weeks go by and again Billy and his friend get together.
"So, Billy, did you find the perfect girl yet. One that's just
like your Mother?"
Billy shrugs his shoulders, "Yes I found one just like Mom. My
mother loved her, they became fast friends."
So should I say Congratulations? "Are you and this girl engaged,
yet?"
"I'm afraid not, my Father can't stand her!"
A married couple went to the hospital
together to have their baby delivered.
Upon their arrival, the doctor said he
had invented a new machine that would
transfer a portion of the mother's labor
pain to the father. He asked if they
were willing to try it out. They were
both very much in favor of it.
The doctor set the knob to 10 percent
for starters, explaining that even 10
percent was probably more pain than
the father had ever experienced before.
But as the labor progressed, the husband
felt fine, so he asked the doctor to
go ahead and bump it up a notch.
The doctor then adjusted the machine
to 20 percent pain transfer. The husband
was still feeling fine. The doctor
checked the husband's blood pressure
and pulse and was amazed at how well
he was doing. At this, they decided
to try for 50 percent.
The husband continued to feel quite well.
Since it was obviously helping out his
wife considerably, he encouraged the
doctor to transfer ALL the pain to him.
The wife delivered a healthy baby with
virtually no pain. She and her husband
were ecstatic.
When they got home, they found the
mailman dead on the porch.
This guy sticks his head into a barber
shop and asks, "How long before I can
get a haircut?" The barber looks around
the shop and says, "About 2 hours." The
guy leaves.
A few days later the same guy sticks his
head in the door and asks,"How long before
I can get a haircut?" The barber looks around
at shop full of customers and says,
"About 2 hours."
The guy leaves. A week later the same
guy sticks his head in the shop and asks,
"How long before I can get a haircut?"
The barber looks around the shop and
says, About an hour and a half."
The guy leaves. The barber looks over
at a friend in the shop and says,
"Hey, Bill, follow that guy and see
where he goes." In a little while,
Bill comes back into the shop laughing
hysterically. The barber asks, "Bill,
where did he go when he left here?"
Bill looked up and said, "To your house."
One aristocratic clan's ancestors had come to America
on the Mayflower, and their lineage included senators,
captains of industry and Wall Street wizards.
So proud were they of their family tradition that they
decided to compile a family history as a legacy for
their children and grandchildren. They hired a fine
author. Only one problem arose-- how to handle that
great-uncle who was executed in the electric chair.
Not to worry, said the author. He could write that
chapter of their history tactfully, and indeed, he did.
"Great-uncle Henry,' he wrote, 'occupied a chair of
applied electronics at an important government institution,
was attached to his position by the strongest of ties,
and his death came as a real shock."
A small town prosecuting attorney called his
first witness to the stand in a trial - a grand
motherly, elderly woman. He approached her
and asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know me?"
She responded, "Why, yes, I do know you
Mr. Williams. I've known you since you were
a young boy, and frankly, you've been a big
disappointment to me. You lie, cheat on your
wife, you manipulate people, and talk about
them behind their backs. You think you're a
rising big shot when you haven't the brains
to realize you never will amount to anything
more than a two-bit paper pusher. Yes, I
know you."
The lawyer was stunned. Not knowing what
else to do, he pointed across the room and
asked, "Mrs. Jones, do you know the defense
attorney?"
She again replied, "Why, yes I do. I've known
Mr. Bradley since he was a youngster too. I
used to baby-sit him for his parents. And he, too,
has been a real disappointment to me. He's
lazy, bigoted, and he has a drinking problem.
The man can't build a normal relationship with
anyone and his law practice is one of the
shoddiest in the entire state. Yes, I know him."
At this point, the judge rapped the courtroom
to silence, and called both counselors to the
bench. In a very quiet voice, he said with
menace, "If either of you asks her if she
knows me, you'll be jailed for contempt!"
It was spring in the old west. The cowboys rode the still snow choked
trails looking for cattle that survived the winter. As one cowboy's horse went
around the narrow trail, it came upon a rattlesnake warming itself in
the spring sunshine. The horse reared and the cowboy drew his six-gun to
shoot the snake. "Hold on there, partner," said the snake, "don't shoot- I'm
an enchanted rattlesnake, and if you don't shoot me, I'll give you any
three wishes you want."
The cowboy decided to take a chance. He knew he was safely out of the
snake's striking range. He said, "OK, first, I'd like to have a face
like Clark Gable, then, I'd like a build like Arnold Schwarzenegger,
and finally, I'd like sexual equipment like this here horse I'm riding."
The rattlesnake said, "All right, when you get back to the bunk house
you'll have all three wishes." The cowboy turned his horse around and
galloped at full speed all the way to the bunk house. He dismounted on
the run and went straight inside to the mirror.
Staring back at him in the mirror was the face of Clark Gable. He
ripped the shirt off his back and revealed bulging, rippling muscles, just like
Arnold Schwarzenegger. Really excited now, he tore down his jeans, looked at
his crotch and shouted, "My God, I was riding the mare!"
There were three friends that always wanted to play
golf every Saturday afternoon, but couldn't because
of there wives, so one day after many years they
finally got together on the golf course and were
waiting at the first tee when one guy said, "I had
to buy my wife a diamond necklace to get to play
today!!!"
The second said, "That's nothing I had to buy MY
wife a new sports car to get out here today!!!"
The third said, "Boy you guys are a couple of wimps;
I didn't have to buy my wife nothing!!!"
They both look at him and asked how he managed that!
The smartest of the three said, "It was easy, when
I got up this morning I looked her straight in the
eye and asked, "Golf course or Intercourse?" She
threw me a sweater and said, "Take this, it might
get chilly out there!"
One Sunday a cowboy went to church. When he entered, he
saw that he and the preacher were the only ones present.
The preacher asked the cowboy if he wanted him to go
ahead and preach.
The cowboy said, "I'm not too smart, but if I went to
feed my cattle and only one showed up, I'd feed him."
So the minister began his sermon.
One hour passed, then two hours, then two-and-a-half
hours. The preacher finally finished and came down to
ask the cowboy how he liked the sermon.
The cowboy answered slowly, "Well, I'm not very smart,
but if I went to feed my cattle and only one showed up,
I sure wouldn't feed him all the hay."
An elderly gentleman had serious hearing problems for a number of years. He went
to the doctor and the doctor was able to have him fitted for a set of hearing
aids that allowed the gentleman to hear 100%.
The elderly gentleman went back in
a month to the doctor and the doctor said, "Your hearing is perfect. Your
family must be really pleased that you can hear again." The gentleman
replied, "Oh, I haven't told my family yet. I just sit around and listen to
the conversations. I've changed my will three times!"
A college senior was on duty in the main computer lab
on a quiet afternoon when he noticed a young woman
sitting in front of one of the workstations with her
arms crossed across her chest, staring at the screen.
After about 15 minutes he noticed that she was still in
the same position, only now she was impatiently tapping
her foot. Finally, he approached her and asked if she
needed help. She replied, "It's about time! I pressed
the F1 button over twenty minutes ago!"
The following are all quotes from 11-year-olds' science
exams:
"Water is composed of two gins, Oxygin and Hydrogin.
Oxygin is pure gin. Hydrogin is gin and water."
"Three kinds of blood vessels are arteries, vanes and
caterpillars."
"Blood flows down one leg and up the other."
"Respiration is composed of two acts, first inspiration,
and then expectoration."
"The moon is a planet just like the earth, only it is
even deader."
"Artifical insemination is when the farmer does it to
the cow instead of the bull."
There was a married couple sleeping and an intruder entered
into their house. The intruder put a knife to the neck of
the woman and said, "I like to know the names of my victims
before I kill them, what is your name?"
"My name is Elizabeth," the woman replied.
The intruder said, "You remind me of my mother who was also
named Elizabeth, so I can't kill you."
The intruder then turned to the husband and asked, "What is
your name?"
"My name's Phillip, but my friends call me Elizabeth."
A big-city counterfeiter decided the best place to
pass off his phony $18 bills would be in some small
hick Texas town. So, he got into his new wheels and
off he went.
He found a tiny town with a single store. He entered
the store and handed one of the bogus bills to the
man behind the counter. "Can you change this for me,
please?" he said.
The store clerk looked at the $18 bill a short time,
then smiled and told the man, "Ah reckon so, Mister.
Ya want 2 nines or 3 sixes?"
A supermarket had a sale on boneless chicken breasts, and
a man I know intended to stock up. At the store, however,
he was disappointed to find only a few skimpy pre-packaged
portions of the poultry, so he complained to the butcher
lady. "don't worry, ya ," she said. "I'll pack some more
trays and have them ready for you by the time you finish
shopping."
Several aisles later, my friend heard the lady butcher's
voice boom over the public-address system: "Will the
gentleman who wanted bigger breasts please meet me at
the back of the store."
A salesman was testifying in his divorce proceedings
against his wife. "Please describe," said his attorney,
"the incident that first caused you to entertain
suspicions as to your wife's fidelity."
"Well, I'm pretty much on the road all week," the man
testified. "So naturally when I am home, I'm attentive
to the wife."
"One Sunday morning," he continued, "we were in the
midst of some pretty heavy love-making when the old
lady in the apartment next door pounded on the wall and
yelled, 'Can't you at least stop all that racket on
the weekends?'"
As a Delta Air Lines jet was flying over Arizona on
a clear day, the copilot was providing his passengers
with a running commentary about landmarks over the
PA system.
"Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater,
which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona.
It was formed when a lump of nickel and iron, roughly
150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons, struck
the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering
white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole
measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep."
From the cabin, a passenger was heard to exclaim, "Wow!
It just missed the highway!"
Seems this hillbilly came to town carrying a jug of moonshine
in one hand and a shotgun in the other. He stopped a man on
the street, saying to him: "Here, friend, take a drink outta
my jug." The man protested, saying he never drank.
Unimpressed, the hillbilly leveled his shotgun at the stranger
and commanded: "Drink!"
The stranger drank, shuddered, shook, shivered and coughed.
"God! That's awful stuff!"
"Ain't it, though?" replied the hillbilly. "Now here, you hold
the gun on me while I take a swig."
Sometimes women are overly suspicious of their husbands. When
Adam stayed out very late for a few nights, Eve became upset.
"You're running around with other women," she charged.
"You're being unreasonable," Adam responded.
"You're the only woman on earth."
The quarrel continued until Adam fell asleep, only to be
awakened by someone poking him in the chest. It was Eve.
"What do you think you're doing?" Adam demanded.
"Counting your ribs," said Eve.
A mother, accompanied by her small daughter, was in
New York City. The mother was trying to hail a cab,
when her daughter noticed several wildly dressed
women who were loitering on a nearby street corner.
The mother finally hailed her cab and they both
climbed in, at which point the daughter asks her
mother, "Mummy, what are all those ladies waiting
for by that corner?", to which the mother replies,
"Those ladies are waiting for their husbands to come
home from work."
The cabbie, upon hearing this exchange, turns to the
mother and says, "Ahhhhhhh, C'mon lady!! Tell your
daughter the truth!! For crying out loud.
They're hookers!"
A brief period of silence follows, and the daughter
then asks, "Mommy, do the ladies have any children?"
The mother replies, "Of course dear. Where do you think
cabbies come from?"
Two good ole boys down in Alabama were sitting
around talking one afternoon over a cold beer... After a while
the first guy says to the second, "If'n I was to sneak over
to your trailer Saturday and make love to your wife while
you was off huntin', and she got pregnant and had a baby,
would that make us kin?" The second guy crooked his head sideways
for a minute, scratched his head, and squinted his eyes thinking
real hard about the question. Finally, he says, "Well, I don't
know about kin, but it sure would make us even."
It was autumn, and the Indians on the remote reservation
asked their new Chief if the winter was going to be cold or
mild. Since he was an Indian Chief in a modern society, he
had never been taught the old secrets, and when he looked
at the sky, he couldn't tell what the weather was going to
be.
Nevertheless, to be on the safe side, he replied to his tribe
that the winter was indeed going to be cold and that the members
of the village should collect wood to be prepared.
But also being a practical leader, after several days he got
an idea. He went to the phone booth, called the National Weather
Service and asked, "Is the coming winter going to
be cold?" "It looks like this winter is going to
be quite cold indeed," the Meteorologist at the weather
service responded.
So the Chief went back to his people and told them to collect
even more wood in order to be prepared. One week later he
called the National Weather Service again. "Is it going
to be a very cold winter?" he asked. "Yes,"
the man at National Weather Service again replied, "it's
going to be a very cold winter." The Chief again went
back to his people and ordered them to collect every scrap
of wood they could find. Two weeks later he called the National
Weather Service again. "Are you absolutely sure that
the winter is going to
be very cold?" "Absolutely," the man replied.
"It looks like it's going to be one of the coldest winters
ever." "How can you be so sure?" the Chief
asked. The weatherman replied, "The Indians are collecting
firewood like crazy."
A Texan was talking big in a bar one night about how much
money he had, how many women he had been with and how much
land he owned.
A young man from Oklahoma, growing tired of all the big talk
finally asked the Texan, "Just how much land do you actually
own?"
The Texan tipped back his cowboy hat and said to the young
man, "Well, Sonny, let me put it to ya like this, I can
get in my pickup at sunrise, drive all day long, skip lunch
and still not get to the other side of my property by sundown."
The young Okie shot back quickly, "Oh yeah, I know what
you mean. I used to own a Ford truck too!"
In relationships with women the difference between winning
and losing is all in the wording. The loser says "your
face could stop a clock" The winner says "your face
makes time stand still"
Q. Why won't a shark bite a lawyer?
A. Professional courtesy
Q. Why won't a shark bite a clown?
A. They taste funny.
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